»It's never happened before that I'd make so much effort and a woman still wouldn't cum. Something is obviously wrong with you.«
That's something a man once said to me. Today our relationship status is 'friends' – with no benefits.
While I was lying next to him feeling quite happy and lovely, I have to admit that his words shocked and hurt me. I am not even sure wheather I wanted to discuss that at a time, instantaneously my thoughts took me to a place far away and I knew that I never again wanted to be in a relationship where I would have to cope with such comments. This event grounded me in a way that I became aware of the importance of enlightening and discussing about the topic of sexuality and the woman’s body.
I am not sure if this happend with the birth of internet and endless amounts of easily accessible pornographic contents, but I think that sex (as we know it from porn) for many (especially young people) became sort of how sexuality, relations and intercourse look like in real life. Have parents and the school system really failed to such extent that the porn industry is the only example of sex that we can learn from? Where women are taken as subordinate objects, masked with make up, without any cellulite, skinny, shaved, all humble and sweet… Where you find only fake sex and staged lovemaking.
What message does young people who are growing up percieve through that? What kind of body and beauty standards are these contents advocating? How does all this infulence our partnership and sexuality?
An even greater problem create media and popular culture, that presents women in a completely unreal image. How many teenagers, due to the desire to please, develop eating disorders, a low self-esteem and succumb to various plastic operations? That kind of mentallity can drive you insane – when percieving yourself through the eyes of media and popular culture we all could find something to be done or our bodies. All those filters on social media platforms, retouched images of celebrities and influencers are deleting the reality of our bodies. They do not allow unclear skin, unshaved legs, pimples, bags under our eyes and curves – except if they are extremely concentrated on our buttocks.
Nobody is perfect. What is perfection? Perfection is a subjective phenomenon. Every set of eyes have a different idea about it.
Therefore it’s clear: All the retouched and artificial instagram stories and posts cannot present a real body and lifestyle and no one can really identify oneself with them.
We get caught in a loop of desires when seeing exciting lifes as lived by the »people« on social media. These lives are distant, played out and fake. Often we feel as if our lives are boring in comparison with theirs.
We forgot the importance of individuality. Our interests, passions and specialities are the things that make us interesting and unique. That real Beauty means to accept yourself the way you are and through that you can achieve the feeling of empowerment and satisfaction.
So powerfully self-aware our beauty shines in a much greater extent. Others can see that we are much more contented with ourselves and that we are not affected by trends, which are impossible to keep up with anyway and give us no true satisfaction. These trends keep us in a constant effort of chasing the next higher goal and they force us to be something that mainstream society wants us to be. All this leaves us empty and endlessly uncontended because this sort of behaviour does not address our true selves but something what is collectively percieved as aesthetical.
All this came to me the moment I was told that there is something wrong either with me or with my body. In that moment I knew that the next person I will share intimacy with will respect my wishes about my body and wouldn’t constantly directly od indirectly push me towards situations that make me uncomfortable and sad. That person will see that I enjoy and love also when »I don’t cum« and because of that he wouldn’t feel less of himself, not capable or less »manly«.
Often I ask myself to what extend men really know our bodies? How do we know them ourselves? Many times I felt as if there is something wrong with me or with my body or that I am doing or understanding something wrong. Conversing with girlfriends, reading blogs and articles gave me an affirmation that everything that I’m going through is perfectly normal.
Today I know that many women never experience orgasm. Others can reach it only through masturbation. Some don’t get it with penetration but only with some other kind of stimulation …
Before I have done this research I felt as If I was the only one with these feelings. I wish now that I would have been taught about these topics in my teens.
It’s clear to me now there is no recipe or rule. When this knowledge truly reached me I could release some blockages and fears. I could take a deep breath. Each body is unique and responds differently to various stimulus, their intensity and approach. We women need tenderness and attention, that are often much more important than sex and orgasm.
We women need tenderness and attention, that are often much more important than sex and orgasm.
I feel much more embraced when I look my partner in the eyes and know that I am truly accepted and that he loves me and wants to make me happy. Sex and intercourse is then only a cherry on top of the pie.
Once you truly accept yourself you can completely let go and only then will the right person come into your life. Person who will know that porn is fake sex and that only people who respect and care for each other, can truly love.
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